no knickers!

no knickers!

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’

The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?

”What’s so special about it?’

The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.’

The woman giggles and replies

‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!’

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ‘Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’

Source: irish bikers

Lonely

Lonely

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Amsterdam. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down 500euro and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
Source: irish bikers

The meaning of Aplomb

The meaning of Aplomb

The meaning of Aplomb

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that’s a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I’m still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship,
Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice, ‘Darling, does your prick still throb?’

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

THAT my good man is "aplomb."

Source: irish bikers

round like a shot!

round like a shot!

Round like a shot… Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. ‘Hello’, I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’ Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’ To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’ :biggrin_old:

Source: irish bikers